Dad died in March. He has had a hard time over the last couple years and I knew that it was eventually going to happen… but no one is ever really prepared when someone dies. I actually had dropped all my private students the week before he passed because my schedule was too packed due to my addiction with making money. My mom and sister had been calling me the month prior requesting that I spend more time talking to him since he was being stubborn with maintaining and improving his health. (They had the impression that he listens to me a bit more.)

After dad died, I decided to spend a bit more time really focusing on my health. My dad’s poor health could be attributed to years of not keeping track of his health. It wasn’t until he had his first heart attack did he realize that he had high blood pressure and a tendency for heart disease. I’m on the same page in terms of that–my blood pressure has become worse and worse over the years. Mostly because I let it happen with my poor sleeping habits, unbalanced diet, lack of exercise, and over all stress from my daily life. I’ve been cycling between being healthy and not healthy. I think it’s time for me to really stick to being healthy. I want to live as long as I can in the best state possible.

During funeral arrangements, I’ve realized that although Buddhism was a huge part of my life as a child, I’m not that kind of Buddhist anymore. I used to really love and crave prayer and meditation–now not so much. I went to visit Gold Sage Monastery to buy a funeral blanket for his casket–it’s now a closed facility and everything is the same but aged. It had been well over 15 years since I last bowed and paid respects to the statue of Venerable Master Hsuan Hua. It took be right back to my pre-teen years.

After the funeral, we drove up to City of the Dharma Realm in Sacramento to look at their columbarium. The nun who opened up the door for us recognized us from Gold Sage as she was one of the former teachers of the Sunday school program. Before we left, she showed us a picture of Kathy and Tommy posing on a play structure in one of their publications about the youth dharma school at Gold Sage.

Mom, Kathy, and Tommy ended up transporting dad’s ashes to be stored at 金寶山. It’s where my grandparents ashes are at. I think the plan is for the whole family to visit dad’s ashes this coming March. Zach recently got his passport–so maybe I’ll bring him along it the timing works out.

I went Texas to watch the total solar eclipse in April. As I observed totality, I reflected the last time I observed totality. That time I had drove Mom, Dad, Kathy, and Kevin up to Madras, Oregon. It was also the last big trip dad made while he was in good health.

Since dropping lessons, I’ve found a lot of time for me to just do nothing. I miss the extra income–but it’s clear to me now that running a full private studio outside of school is too much for me at this point. I’ve discovered the value of giving time to unwind from school: I have less stress because I’m giving my brain a break, and I sleep better with less anxiety.

I still get plenty of lesson inquiries–which serve as a good reminder to me to keep up my mental and physical health. Every time I get an inquiry email, I send them the message that I’m working on my health. My blood pressure is more consistently good rather than bad these days. The goal is to have only good days and slowly wean myself off medication.

My mindset at work has changed a lot compared to several years ago. I’m spending a lot more time at work prepping for work. I certainly still teach my subjects–but I think I’ve reduced the workload to focus on some main points instead of going over every single detail. I used to test students on every single piece in piano class–now I have kids separated in groups with each student assigned to a piece within a group of concepts (songs with tonic and dominant chords..etc.) I’m not super crazy about technique for orchestra this first semester–instead we are working on covering a lot of music with varying degrees of difficulty. I had the upper level group play the first movement of Scheherazade at the last concert. It certainly wasn’t perfect–but after the events in the spring, I’ve decided that it is more worthwhile to attempt the works that I want to teach even if not all the kids are ready for it. (Next year I want them to play PDQ Bach Sportscast of Beethoven’s 5th.)

That being said, I’m definitely going to dial it back in regards to repertoire choice when it comes to our festival set in the winter/spring. The deserve to play something suitable to their overall playing level and can demonstrate how well they can perfect a piece.

Anyways… here’s to another year!

1. I can’t believe that I’ve lasted this long and taken this career this far. I’ve landed on the most cushiest job possible. 10 years ago was my first year with Berryessa and was slowly building back my confidence after being a long term sub at Hoover Middle School. When I started my first year, I told myself that I needed to tough it out for at least two years before I quit. I’m still teaching now. At this point I can’t call myself an imposter.
   
2. I have a lovely house. The burden of the mortgage is mentally weighing down on me. I hope I’ll feel a tiny bit better in 10 years when hopefully the interest rates miraculously become ultra low. My property tax bill is massive and is going to kill any savings I have built up.
   
3. I woke up feeling unaccomplished. I had this dream where I sat down in a meeting where other people showed off their accomplishments and I could only talk about how I’m finally able to come to terms with my sleeping issues or that I’ve recently picked up running again. One of the self-help newsletters I’m subscribed to, kakikata, had the perfect message for me yesterday. She wrote: “Unlike in the US, in Japan there is less of a focus on individual exceptionalism. Individuals in Japan usually aren’t raised with the narrative that it’s important to be extraordinary, or to accomplish world-changing things. Instead, there is a stronger emphasis on doing your responsibility to contribute to the greater whole.” When it comes down to it–who said I had to be exceptional? It isn’t certainly something that I want–the construct is just something I was pressured/brainwashed to accept. When it comes down to it, all I want is an uncomplicated boring and peaceful life.
   That being said, glory feels so good. I think I just need to find glory in things that I want for myself… like finishing up all my laundry, having a clean house and having enough time and energy to maintain my garden.
   
4. I will be healthier this next decade. Lose weight. Run daily. Drink more water. Sleep well. Get my blood pressure under control.
   

I have a good life. I started out the day feeling quite glum–but figured out that I was reacting to the weather. I think next year I’ll plan to not work on my birthday. naw, I think I’d feel a lot happier with an additional $400 in the bank to pay off my mortgage.

I am so tired of waiting,
Aren’t you,
For the world to become good
And beautiful and kind?
Let us take a knife
And cut the world in two –
And see what worms are eating
At the rind.

Langston Hughes