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a decade later

Yu-Ting
  1. I can’t believe that I’ve lasted this long and taken this career this far. I’ve landed on the most cushiest job possible. 10 years ago was my first year with Berryessa and was slowly building back my confidence after being a long term sub at Hoover Middle School. When I started my first year, I told myself that I needed to tough it out for at least two years before I quit. I’m still teaching now. At this point I can’t call myself an imposter.
  2. I have a lovely house. The burden of the mortgage is mentally weighing down on me. I hope I’ll feel a tiny bit better in 10 years when hopefully the interest rates miraculously become ultra low. My property tax bill is massive and is going to kill any savings I have built up.
  3. I woke up feeling unaccomplished. I had this dream where I sat down in a meeting where other people showed off their accomplishments and I could only talk about how I’m finally able to come to terms with my sleeping issues or that I’ve recently picked up running again. One of the self-help newsletters I’m subscribed to, kakikata, had the perfect message for me yesterday. She wrote: “Unlike in the US, in Japan there is less of a focus on individual exceptionalism. Individuals in Japan usually aren’t raised with the narrative that it’s important to be extraordinary, or to accomplish world-changing things. Instead, there is a stronger emphasis on doing your responsibility to contribute to the greater whole.” When it comes down to it–who said I had to be exceptional? It isn’t certainly something that I want–the construct is just something I was pressured/brainwashed to accept. When it comes down to it, all I want is an uncomplicated boring and peaceful life.
    That being said, glory feels so good. I think I just need to find glory in things that I want for myself… like finishing up all my laundry, having a clean house and having enough time and energy to maintain my garden.
  4. I will be healthier this next decade. Lose weight. Run daily. Drink more water. Sleep well. Get my blood pressure under control.

I have a good life. I started out the day feeling quite glum–but figured out that I was reacting to the weather. I think next year I’ll plan to not work on my birthday. naw, I think I’d feel a lot happier with an additional $400 in the bank to pay off my mortgage.

Life

2022 Goal

Yu-Ting

My only goal this year is to get my blood pressure under control without any medication. This means:

  1. Sleep
    I got a lot of sleep in 2021 but most of it wasn’t continuous. I’d wake up after 3 hours of sleep and then often had a hard time getting back to sleep because my brain kept on thinking about all the things I needed to do. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m sleeping 6 hours continuously now. My goal is to sleep 8 hours continuously and wake up refreshed. I really have to make sure I’m in bed by 8PM since I’m up at 4AM.
  2. Exercise
    My goal is to get at least 10,000 steps each day. I plan on doing this by taking short walking breaks whenever I can. I’ve also signed up for the half marathon in October so I’ll probably get back into running daily to train for that. I’ve also bought this book ’24 Ways to Move More’ when we went on our road trip to pick up my cello. I want to go through each activity in this book if possible.
  3. Eat Well
    I haven’t been super good about eating well. I need to make time to cook and if not, I need to somehow make eating healthy more convenient. I’ve looked at subscribing to a meal delivery plan, but I don’t like the idea of all the packaging waste. Come to think of it, I haven’t gone to the grocery store since COVID first happened. Although more people are vaccinated and it is safer to shop in person, I still haven’t really put time to visit the grocery store since I’ve been rushing to get home to find a parking spot. Either ways, I need to eat well.
  4. Treat Myself and Work Less
    This means allowing myself to move a slower pace in life. Take longer showers, go get that haircut, spend time lazing around playing puzzles with complete leisure. Spend less time thinking about work. I grew up in a household where you were praised for working outside of work hours. Tommy probably was the only person who knew how to draw the line between personal time and school out of us kids. I often feel bad for not being productive – I need to stop doing that to myself. Being stressed out isn’t a badge of honor and it isn’t doing my blood pressure any good. I’m amazed how much my BP fluctuates according to if I’m relaxed or if I am not.

I wasn’t super stressed in 2021–but I was and still am very tired. I’ve got 7 students lined up today and the first one starts in 15 minutes. Better get going!

Life

4 hours of sleep

Yu-Ting

4 hours of sleep.

That is the average amount of sleep that I’ve gotten daily for the last 2 months. It was a little bit better when I was part time at school because I could spend Tuesday and Thursday getting additional sleep. Looking back on it now, it was also pretty bad even when I was part time because I just was a bit shy of averaging 6 hours of sleep.

In December, I was just an occasional drowsy driver. Now I’m feeling suddenly drowsy throughout random points in the day. Even when I’m being active like taking a walk or chopping veggies. It was a total struggle to stay awake while driving. None of my tactics like eating, buzzing my lips, pounding my leg with my fists, or screaming at myself would work. I’ve been pulling myself over to take short naps during my morning commute–hoping that it would be enough to make it to school on time.

Then I got sick last week and was totally miserable. It was bad enough that I was drowsy–now my mood was totally down and I felt so irritated all the time. I needed to do less and commit to a real curfew and bedtime. This week, I decided to cut my private studio down massively. No more traveling students and no more non-cello students. It was really hard for me to let these students go since I get so attached and teaching is something I love to do… but I need to put myself first.

This week I averaged about 5.5 hours of sleep. I could feel a huge difference. Sounds obvious, but I feel more awake. I was really happy yesterday when I got to work without needing to pull over for a nap.

My goal is to average 8 hours of sleep daily. I plan on being in bed by 7:30pm. I won’t be able to reach there immediately–but eventually I’ll get there.

I hope my mood improves and I achieve some clarity of mind as I pay off my massive sleep debt.

I hope I don’t ever have to deal with this situation again in the future. I already been through this whole ordeal 4 years ago and you would think I had learned my lesson about sleep deprivation. But old habits are hard to break…